Get Over Yourself

Because of recent conversations with friends I felt the need to share my very different outlook on life and relationships that have been shaped from my experiences. I hope to be a better woman now for the experiences I have been through so that the next person I find myself committed to can benefit from what I now have to offer.

In early relationships I was all about me and what I needed, deserved and wanted! It was all about me, me, me. The problem I see, looking back, is when it was all about me, I didn't have much success in the relationships at all. I was selfish, as most women tend to be. I wanted to be taken care of, I wanted to be pampered, I wanted this, that and the other, but never took time to think about what he wanted and needed from me. Although giving is in my nature, I was giving him what I thought he wanted instead of what he wanted! It reminds me of my ex-husband, he hated to buy me fresh cut flowers because he felt like they were a waste of money so instead he would bring home plants with flowers on them. The problem was although it satisfied his need to be frugal, it wasn't pleasing to me because I didn't get what I wanted! But I compromised because with him it was either that or nothing. My point is this, I didn't regard what he needed, and that's exactly what I got in return...ill regard for what I wanted.

It's simple...the old adage says, treat others as you want to be treated! The conversation I had with a group of warm acquaintances was certainly a shock value for the women. I believe that if more women would spend time pleasing their men, then there would be more peace in the households. Why? Because when you spend your time catering to and serving the needs of someone else, hopefully, you aren't in the equation. It's Biblical! Serve unto one another, not unto each other but as unto the Lord. So we should serve out of a pure heart with out the expectation of reciprocation. But guess what, usually serving and giving becomes contagious and reciprocal.

Men are really rather simple. During a recent conversation with my father and it being confirmed by other men I know, men are quite moldable. Mostly to avoid conflict. See, men need sex, an attractive spouse, recreation, peace and a clean domestic situation. Meaning, they don't want to hear about your boss, your girlfriend's problems or any other negativity that you willingly participate in. YES! I said willingly! We choose what we allow to effect us, what gets us riled up, frustrated or irritated! So, when our girlfriends are having problems, we choose to take sides and let it internally effect us! WHY? It's not even our problem!!! It doesn't show loyalty because you get mad when she gets mad...it shows stupidity! Especially when it is menial! I have too much other stuff to channel my energy towards that could be positive and helping me move forward in life than to worry about my friend's issues!!!! I can't help anyway, because at the end of the day, she should be grown enough to take it to God, and leave it on the alter!

I digress! So, where are you? Are you so caught up into this Ms. Independent, I can do it by myself, nagging, argumentative, talk too much, not paying enough attention the needs of your man and your relationship? Don't you realize that's what drives men away? Don't you understand that men have enough crap to deal with day in and day out?! If you let them actually be the man that is...

My last point, is that we as women talk too much! We over analyze and over think things that are so simple for men. Did you know that women speak about twice as much as men? I go into what I call my listening time with men. We can be in the same room for minutes without me feeling like I will burst because I need to talk. Sometimes, we get frustrated because the man doesn't ask us how our day is because we walk in and start talking about it before they get the opportunity to ask us! I find myself entering into a room silently and if he wants to engage me in conversation, then he does so...and it doesn't mean it's time for the flood gates to open! Show some restraint! Give short answers and let him decided if he wants to take on more. And what's this thing where we expect him to take our side no matter what!!! That's the mess that got former Pres. Bush in trouble, nothing but a bunch of yes men lead us into the economical failure we face now! Allow him to engage you when he is ready.

Sometimes, we don't have to say all that bothers us! Have you tried praying?! Especially when it comes to things that irritates us about our significant others. How would you feel if you were attacked? We don't want to be disrespected or devalued, so we shouldn't do the same. We should build up the man and pray God's will, be it we change or they change. And stop telling your friends all the problems you are having, they typically are thrown up in your face at the least opportune moments! You have to teach others how to treat you, but with honey, not vinegar. So if I tell him, I need you to engage me slow, to whisper in my ear, to smack my behind! Let's keep it real...we are adults! But say it with concern, softness not harsh words like they can't do anything right! Here is the kicker, if you express yourself, and he becomes judgmental, defensive, agitated, or insensitive that you took time to express your genuine needs, then more than likely he doesn't value you enough and you should think about re-evaluating your relationship. You can teach someone how to treat you, but you can't make them treat you the way you would like. Respect is a two way street. And if you aren't being respected, troubled waters lie ahead.

Life is about learning. Being more relational with other people. Giving back. In order to be most effective in life, you have got to get over yourself, your demands, needs and learn how to give in order to receive.